Appeared in 3/96 issue of "Slow, the magazine of the slow food
movement"
Steamed
Crab Story
John's "trouble free" steamed crab recipe (which makes a
lie of the "you wouldn't eat X if you had to kill it
yourself" argument).
Every once in a blue moon I like to entertain. I buy some
exotic ingredients and try a new recipe for a few people.
Last night's menu was Filipino style Paella (an originally
Spanish rice, seafood and meat stew). I took off early
(hey- no faculty read this right?) and went to Benkowitz
seafood in the strip to get some squid, clams, shrimp and
crabs. The squid, clams and shrimp were not a problem (all
purchased dead- since I didn't feel like purging clams).
The crabs were a problem. I directed the woman helping me
to two of the feistier ones in the tank (probably in better
shape than the sluggish ones). We boxed them up and I
proceeded to drive home (they made cute little scraping
sounds trying to climb out of the box the whole time). Get
home dump the crabs out of the box into one sink each and
spray them with a little water (I figure even though it is
fresh water it might help their gills). I put off cooking
the crabs until last (as they need much less cooking time
than the chicken, pork, sausage, and rice that goes into
the Paella).
Finally it is time to do the crabs. I have them flipped on
their backs in separate sinks (I separated the crabs
because one was acting aggressive), which makes them look
like the face-grabbing monsters from Alien. The cookbook
says to kill them by "putting an ice-pick through the
central nervous system" which can be gotten at from the
bottom of the crab- dead (haha) center between the claws
and first legs. I first go after the slower one of the two.
I touch correct point of the under-shell with a very thin
fillet knife and the legs of the crab convulsively reach up
for my hand- just like in Alien. After about seven tries I
work up the nerve to hold the crab down with a meat
tenderizer and drive the fillet knife through the central
nervous system. The crab gives one of those really
repulsive dying spasms with means all legs again lunge up
at me one last time- but faster. I back off take some
breaths and poke at the legs with the knife. The legs move
a little but the crab seems to be dead. By this time I
really don't have the nerve to do the second, faster, crab.
With extreme effort of will I touch the underside of the
second crab with the fillet knife- it lunges worse than the
other one ever did, the "dead" crab gives an uncoordinated
twitch in sympathy and something makes a rattling sound at
the front door. I rush the front door knife in one hand
heavy mallet in the other only to run into a horrified Nina
a shocked Vince, both just arrived.
Most of the meal is ready, everyone has arrived, the
steamer is boiling furiously and one crab is already dead-
no more fooling around, I have to do the other one. After
about 13 attempts I hold the crab down and drive the fillet
knife through the magic spot. The crab is really pissed
now- either the cookbook lied, or I missed or crabs don't
need their "central nervous system" for much. I hit the
knife with the mallet (so I don't have to reach near the
wriggling legs) which drives it all the way through the
crab- piercing the top shell underneath. The vote from the
peanut gallery is to forget steaming, boil some water and
poach the bastard right in the sink (no one going for the
St. Francis medallion tonight). While boiling water I smack
the embedded knife with a a few times plastic serving spoon
to see what would happen if I tried to remove the knife.
The crab legs come up, I panic, smack the knife and shatter
the spoon. I have had enough of this so I put the first
crab in one layer of the steamer (using another pair of
spoons)- it doesn't fit too well but it is in. I pick up
the second crab by the knife and place it on the next layer
of the steamer. The bottom ("dead") crab keeps sticking an
occasional leg out (which I poke back in). The top crab
seems somewhat less feisty but now the knife won't come out
(it is stuck in the upper shell). I hold the crab down with
the mallet and pull- no luck. Finally I lift the grab up
and drop it into the stainless steel sink- which dislodged
the knife. I scoop the second crab into the top level of
the steamer and slam the top down. There is still some
wriggling going on- but everything is manageable. I wait
and the wriggling stops- okay everybody who should be is
dead.
I transfer the steaming baskets to the boiling water. Look
back and the steamer lid is trying to crawl away. Lunge to
hold it down (ow- steam) finally use the mallet to weigh it
down. Leave the kitchen, take some breaths, steamer is
still struggling. Nina and Vince and discussing becoming
vegetarians- couple of assertive motions with the fillet
knife and they fall back in line. Leave the steamer alone
for 8 minutes (as directed in the cookbook), split latterly
with a heavy cleaver, remove top shell and scoop out the
gills and all the icky green stuff.
Trouble free steamed crab.
